tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51675706714028462442024-03-05T10:06:10.860-07:00These Things Shall Give Thee ExperienceThe Leescaitlinleehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12226093048785472542noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-50644900076256385842014-06-15T21:03:00.002-06:002014-06-15T21:13:36.822-06:00Father's Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Every second of Holden’s earthly life was filled with the
love and care of his father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jared
instantly bonded with Holden and I could see how deep his love for him was the
second Holden was born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had never seen
him happier or more filled with the spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He stepped up to his role as father to our baby with gratitude and
excitement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knew the sacredness of
his calling and he magnified it from the start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As Holden’s health began to decrease, Jared was an absolute pillar of
faith and strength.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so grateful
that Holden has Jared as his dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was
able to be there for him in a way that I couldn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was a constant support to both Holden and
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Since Holden has passed away, Jared has made it his mission
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of my heart that Holden continues to be filled with Jared’s constant love and
care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being the father to a child who
has passed through the veil takes a special and intense kind of
spirituality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the past two years I
have watched as Jared has read, studied, pondered, and grown, both in his
testimony and in his continuing and sacred role as Holden’s father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The word that constantly comes to my mind as
I watch Jared is long-suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His
faith and dedication to the Lord, especially in the face of heartache and
trial, has been unceasing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is patient,
yet determined to live up to his great calling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I feel so honored that I am the one who gets to be by his side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have learned so much from him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gain strength from his very presence in my
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so glad that he is the father
of my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know he honors that
title above all others and will always give everything he has to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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While on his mission, Jared received a prompting to write a
letter to his son on the day he was born and to deliver the letter the day his
son left for a mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>5 ½ years later,
Jared was blessed to become a father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
remembered and followed that prompting and wrote the letter to Holden the night
he was born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holden’s mission was very
different and much sooner than we had imagined, but I feel it makes this letter
and the years of preparation for it even more meaningful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so proud of<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jared for being an inspired and obedient man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was able to read the letter to Holden just
hours before he passed through the veil to continue his mission in the Spirit
World. I share it now with reverence and in honor of the special relationship between this father and son. </div>
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May 20, 2012</div>
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To my dear son, Holden:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want you to know, first and foremost, that I love you and
am incredibly proud of you. Today, you’ve come into this world as the purest,
most perfect being I have ever witnessed. Your mom and I are elated to be your parents.
I am still having a hard time believing that the Lord has entrusted you in our
care. I am a man of many weaknesses, but I promise you that I will do my best
to be the father you need me to be. I’m not worried about your mom. She’ll be
the best mother you could ever hope for.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’ve entered the world during troubling times. Strong
values and integrity are not as respected as they should be and, unfortunately,
you will observe things get worse and worse as you grow older. I believe this
is why you came to this earth at this time. You can be a force for good during
your mortal life. Through your actions, you can convince others to change for
the better and the world will be a better place for having you in it. I promise
you that if you are faithful to the Lord, keep His commandments, and make the
necessary corrections when you slip up, you will be happier than you
can possibly be in any other way. Never forget this. I know it’s true. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so excited to be a father. I will undoubtedly let you
down at times, but I want you to know beyond any doubt that I really do love
you so much. Nothing could ever change that. Just know that you are the source
of so much joy and happiness in my life. Thanks for being here.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Love,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
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<span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"> </span></div>
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Dad</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
caitlinleehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12226093048785472542noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-5495280569199186222014-06-04T22:17:00.000-06:002014-06-04T22:21:00.134-06:00Day 16 - 06.04.2012<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CvsT95jGm1c/U4_tw5v7hfI/AAAAAAAADd0/OcsV9EpNAKA/s1600/DSC_0400.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CvsT95jGm1c/U4_tw5v7hfI/AAAAAAAADd0/OcsV9EpNAKA/s1600/DSC_0400.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Holding our newborn son as he passed away was an experience too difficult, too sacred, and too emotional to even attempt to share in this setting. What we do want to share is that death is not the end of our existence, rather it is the beginning of a more beautiful and joyful part of our eternal lives. We know that our son lives. We know he is happy. He has a sacred and active role in our family. He is very present in our lives. It is something that we wouldn't be able to understand if we hadn't experienced it, nor can we begin to explain it, but we have physically felt Holden's presence around us. Something that we wish we could go back and reassure ourselves of on this day two years ago is that Holden will never be far from us. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Outside our bedroom door hangs a plaque with the Neal A. Maxwell quote, "Faith in God includes faith in His timing." It serves as a daily reminder to be patient as we await the Second Coming of the Lord when we'll finally be as completely happy as we were when Holden was born. In the meantime, Heavenly Father continuously shows us that his bowels our filled with mercy towards our family. One poignant example was when we tuned in to the General Conference following Holden's passing. Just as we began streaming the live transmission we heard Elder Bowen say these words that brought immediate tears: </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I would like to speak to those who have lost a child and have asked the question, “Why me?” or maybe even questioned your own faith in a loving Father in Heaven. It is my prayer that by the power of the Holy Ghost, I may bring some measure of hope, of peace, and of understanding. It is my desire to be an instrument in bringing about a restoration of your faith in our loving Father in Heaven, who knows all things and allows us to experience trials so that we can come to know and love Him and understand that without Him we have nothing.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"...I testify that the veil is thin. The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don't end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified. Sometimes people will ask, "How long did it take you to get over it?" The truth is, you never get over it until you are together once again with your departed loved ones. I will never have a fulness of joy until we are reunited in the morning of the First Resurrection." from <i><a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/because-i-live-ye-shall-live-also?lang=eng" target="_blank">Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also</a></i></blockquote>
<div>
We fervently pray for the day of Christ's triumphant return when all is made right, and "love's purest joys [are] restored." </div>
<div>
</div>
Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on<br />
When we shall be forever with the Lord,<br />
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,<br />
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.<br />
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,<br />
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.caitlinleehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12226093048785472542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-3727671078662142012014-06-03T22:50:00.002-06:002015-07-24T09:30:27.988-06:00Day 15 - 06.03.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IZvWXiEhJrw/U46laBAnKOI/AAAAAAAADdQ/DHkiKUcJbYw/s1600/diptic+day+15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IZvWXiEhJrw/U46laBAnKOI/AAAAAAAADdQ/DHkiKUcJbYw/s1600/diptic+day+15.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
We were painfully aware of the confirmation we had received that Holden was needed for a great purpose in Heaven. The fact that he was so alert and interactive began to give us confusing feelings of hope that our prayers were finally being answered in the affirmative. Maybe this was a test. Maybe since we had shown enough willingness to submit to the plan that was so opposite of ours, Heavenly Father would grant us a last minute miracle akin to Abraham and alter-restrained Isaac. The feelings would not last long, but they occurred frequently. <br />
<br />
Holden had not been stitched up from his second surgery to allow us a little bit more time to process the diagnosis we had been given. Now we felt we had been given one last chance at the miracle we were yearning for. The surgeon suggested he take another look at Holden's intestines to see if anything had improved over the last 36 hours before he stitched him back up. To be honest, I thought that this is when the hand of God would work a miracle. With everything in us, we begged, pleaded, and cried that Dr. Johnson would come into the waiting room and tell us that Holden was going to be able to live. <br />
<br />
But no. The necrosis in his intestine had progressed. Consent was granted, and Holden was stitched up and his fate sealed. We shifted our mindset to the fact that Heavenly Father had worked a different miracle. He had given us a perfect son. A son who we know is an elite, valiant, courageous, and obedient man. A son who continues his sacred role to teach and guide our family as we continue in our mortal journey back to him. <br />
<br />
We knew and accepted now that Holden's mission would continue, but we in no way knew how we would face losing him.<br />
<br />
Through all of the pain and heartache that we continue to live with, we have never once doubted that it is all worth it. We would do anything for our son. We will endure whatever we have to for as long as we need to in order to be Holden’s parents. "For of him unto whom much is given much is required." (D&C 82:3.)<br />
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This in no way means that it is not completely devastating to have our son pass away or that we don’t wish there was another way. We do. But we continue relying on the eternal covenants we have made with our Father in Heaven and the trust we have in Him to make good on His promises.<br />
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We have often heard people say to us, ‘I couldn’t do it’ or ‘I don’t know how you do it’. I have thought a lot about this and have said to myself, ‘I can’t do it either!’ I don’t want to. I can’t. Looking forward, I have no idea how I am supposed to make it through this life. <br />
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About a year ago, the Salt Lake City mission president, Bruce R. Winn, addressed us at our Stake Conference. President Winn recounted the story of Peter walking on water. We all know that this is impossible, yet Peter accomplished it. He had found himself in the middle of a terrible storm when off the side of the boat he saw Jesus walking on the water. When Christ beckoned, Peter exercised his “little faith” and stepped out of the boat. The storm grew worse and the wind began to blow even harder. Peter then did what I have done so many times. He lost his focus, he became scared, and he started running out of faith. Then, he asked for the Lord’s help and IMMEDIATELY Jesus Christ reached out His hand to save Peter. As Pres. Winn spoke, I could feel the spirit teaching me about my impossible trial of having my child pass away. Yes, impossible. There are times when all I can do is focus on breathing in and breathing out, my pain doesn't allow for anything more. But Heavenly Father is ALWAYS there for me. All I have to do is exercise the little bit of faith that I have and trust that He will make up the rest. God has and will continue to lift me up as I am drowning. He will help me to walk on water. Jared and I will be able to make it through this life and we will gain our reward of raising our sweet Holden. <br />
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"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the family's garden need to remember our loving Heavenly Father. He has promised a special reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, "For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand." (D&C 58:4.) That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each little child who has left the family circle early to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those little children still live and are a heritage of the Lord." -Russell M. Nelson <br />
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caitlinleehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12226093048785472542noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-15003175596282999932014-06-02T21:37:00.005-06:002014-06-02T21:43:15.144-06:00Day 14 - 06.02.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Holden was inexplicably alert the day after his second surgery. His spirit had been enlivened enough to spend hours interacting with us, locking eyes, transitioning his gaze from his mother's face, to the pages of the story being read by her, and then back to Mom. It was an astute awareness unlike any 2 week old I've ever known. Our Heavenly Father was so merciful to us to give Holden that energy. It was a blessing that we treasure. I spent the late hours of this night reading with Holden every scripture I could find on children and how Jesus loved them and asked us to be like them, and how "little children are holy, being sanctified through the atonement of Jesus Christ." It was so comforting to me to get an idea of the reception this boy would soon receive.<br />
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"Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:4<br />
<br />Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-34137470279192041922014-06-01T22:14:00.003-06:002014-06-01T22:37:43.445-06:00Day 13 - 06.01.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After days of observation and speculation, the time had come for the surgeons to take action. Holden's body revealed he had a perforated bowel and that infection was present.<br />
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Still mortified by the idea of our son back on the operating table, we were somewhat relieved that some action was being taken and that recovery may be on the horizon. We were told the surgery would take 2-3 hours. With what might have been 30 minutes gone by, Dr. Johnson comes through the waiting room door, removes the surgical cap from his head and tells his silent audience that "we have some difficult things to discuss." </div>
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He pulled up a chair and placed a small digital camera on the adjacent desk. Dr. Johnson related how he was dismayed to open Holden back up to find that his bowel had been overrun by a condition known as necrotizing enterocolitis. He had an estimated 15 cm of viable intestine remaining. The prognosis for an infant with short bowel syndrome coupled with the digestive complications predominant with cystic fibrosis was that life would not be sustainable.</div>
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I remember staring blankly across the room as the news was received. With so many prayers and fortifying fasts on Holden's behalf, we were feeling as though we didn't care what the doctors had to say. They could tell us he had no chance, but we were determined that our son was going to be healed and come home with us. It wasn't until the Spirit bore a clear and unquestionable witness confirming that Holden had another mission to fulfill that I accepted the agonizing truth. There aren't words that can express that grief. Unearthing those moments from the recesses of my mind causes my soul to ache. </div>
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From that moment on, my physical and emotional strength gave out. There was nothing left my will could offer my body to get it to function. Bishop and Sister Murdock came straight down to the hospital once the news was received and met us in the waiting room. Blessings of comfort were given and everyone in the room voiced their thoughts on the news. After all that had been said regarding God's will, Sister Murdock spoke up, "What about Holden's will? He has his agency too..." It was exactly what we needed to hear, and we knew it was true. </div>
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Heavenly Father mercifully came to our aid and His angels allowed us to take one impossible step at a time back to the elevator, through the hall, and into the NICU where our sweet Holden awaited the anesthesia to wear off. </div>
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A fourth blessing was given to Holden. I wanted so badly to say that he was going to be healed like I had felt prompted in the previous blessings, but the words could not be uttered. Instead he was commended for his bravery in being obedient and submissive to the Lord's will. I told him that his parents supported him in his decisions and in his use of his agency to fulfill Heavenly Father's grand designs. We barely pronounced our "amen"s when I dropped to the floor and began to sob in frustrated agony. </div>
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As we slipped into a maddening despair, Holden took on an even more radiant celestial glow. </div>
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"For reasons usually unknown, some people are born with physical limitations. Specific parts of the body may be abnormal. Regulatory systems may be out of balance. And all of our bodies are subject to disease and death. Nevertheless, the gift of a physical body is priceless. Without it, we cannot attain a fulness of joy.<br />
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"A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames. Great spiritual strength is often developed by those with physical challenges precisely because they are challenged. Such individuals are entitled to all the blessings that God has in store for His faithful and obedient children.<br />
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"Eventually the time will come when each “spirit and … body shall be reunited again in … perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame.” Then, thanks to the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can become perfected in Him." -Russel M. Nelson</div>
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Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-6503199257363254132014-05-31T23:43:00.001-06:002014-06-01T18:34:10.974-06:00Day 12 - 05.31.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As Holden's condition worsened, the neonatologists and surgeons that worked with him told us they weren't sure what their next step should be. They were debating whether or not they should do a second surgery or just continue to give Holden time to heal. They explained to us that it was a very critical decision. If they did the surgery, they may be able to find and fix whatever was stopping Holden from healing. However, if all he needed was more time to heal then the surgery may set him back irrevocably. We felt completely helpless and were frustrated and discouraged that the professionals were questioning how to help as well. We, along with many family and friends, prayed and fasted that the doctors would be guided to know what to do for our son who was suffering. There is no explaining how it felt to watch Holden go through this pain. All I wanted to do was scoop him up and take him far away from this place filled with tests, surgeries, needles, equipment and uncertainty. I felt like I was failing in my responsibility to protect him. I just wanted to make him happy. I once again did all I knew how to do and prayed to my Father in Heaven. I had never prayed harder, more sincerely, or with more faith than I did during these weeks. This is one prayer that I remember very distinctly. I walked into the little room attached to the NICU that Jared and I had been staying in and got on my knees to beg Heavenly Father to send divine comfort to my son, the kind of comfort that only He could give. I cried and pleaded with Him to send angels to surround my sweet little Holden and fill him with peace. After offering the prayer, I rose from my knees and walked back to Holden. Jared, who was standing beside Holden and was unaware of my prayer, turned to me as I approached and said that he could feel angels surrounding the bassinet. </div>
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We know that Heavenly Father loves His celestial son with a perfect love and was there for him during every second of his sacred Earthly mission. Proven to us time and again is the fact that mortality is such a small part of our eternal existence. There is so much more. The veil has been made thin for us and through sacred experiences we have come to know with an absolute certainty that we are being carefully watched, helped, and strenghtened. We have truly felt the palpable strength of angels. <br />
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D&C 84: 88 "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."<br />
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<br />Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-18504169258096509002014-05-30T23:52:00.000-06:002014-05-30T23:52:44.397-06:00Day 11 - 05.30.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Unfortunately we don't have any pictures to share from this day. This picture was taken outside the entrance to the NICU over 4 months later. We returned from Utah to finish my last semester at school. Janel and Johnny were visiting the island and we took the opportunity to show them where Holden had spent most of his life. We also had boy bassinet covers to deliver that Grandma Jeppson had made (when Holden was there there was only one boy pattern available).<br />
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We spent a lot of time pacing this hallway as family and friends came to visit Holden. Due to space constraints only two guests at a time were allowed to visit a patient. Special consideration was made when priesthood blessings were being administered. It was through those windows that a lucid rainbow awaited us to give renewed sense of comfort after a third blessing was given. It was in this hallway that we would update family, both in person and over the phone to those on the mainland, on Holden's condition. We would come out here to eat food brought to us by caring family members and friends. It was here that I called to withdraw from the CFA exam taking place that weekend and from the Goldman Sachs internship our family was supposed to leave for a few days thereafter. It was in this spot that a fellow parent of a patient said a heartfelt prayer for us and Holden. It was through this hallway that we were held up by angels as we returned to the NICU after Holden's surgeries. It's difficult to adequately express, but a piece of our hearts was left behind in this hallway. The most poignant memories of our life took place within the walls of this hospital.<br />
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<br />Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-42231756274551208702014-05-29T23:01:00.000-06:002014-05-29T23:01:18.554-06:00Day 10 - 05.29.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The staff at Kapiolani was so good to us and allowed us to basically move in with them. They let us pick out and change Holden's bedding, check his temperature, pick out books to read to him, and do as much parenting as we could in an otherwise helpless situation. We always wanted Holden to know that we were right there beside him.<br />
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Holden changed us the instant he came into our life. His birth was only the beginning of a long, drawn out transformation that he continues to effect in us. We've always been frustratingly far from perfect, so to be parents of a perfect child is extremely humbling and far and away our greatest gift that God has given us. Holden is our compass and our coach. How great it is to have a celestial son that can watch over us and remind us what lies in store for us if we are faithful. When we find ourselves taking a step in the wrong direction, we think of our son and we work to correct our error and shortsightedness, and to maintain eternal priorities.<br />
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The Lord gave us the tender mercy of running into President and Sister Uchtdorf today. As conversation turned from the child we're expecting to our first child and his passing, President Uchtdorf placed a firm hand on my shoulder and told us "You have a lot to live up to." We could not agree more. We love you, Holden. You set the bar high. <br />
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“What we love determines what we seek. What we seek determines what we think and do. What we think and do determines who we are — and who we will become.” ― Dieter F. UchtdorfJaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-24873119293086377402014-05-28T22:32:00.001-06:002014-05-28T22:32:59.171-06:00Day 9 - 05.28.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Holden getting a chest massage to break up the mucus in his lungs. Each time he got this treatment he would like to hang on to our finger. There was never any questioning whether Holden was aware of who we were and what our role was there. That connection was like no other and transcends description. Anyone who met him can tell you that the understanding and wisdom this boy possessed was special. We suspect that Holden always knew what he had agreed to go through in life and what his mission was. There was something in him that was greater than us all. Recognizing that spirit in him then, helps us to recognize that spirit now.<br />
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"There is within each of us a divine spark of greatness..." - Joseph B. WirthlinJaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-31246195557997883102014-05-27T22:56:00.001-06:002014-05-27T23:06:44.490-06:00Day 8 - 05.27.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I guess a common reaction amongst those who've lost loved ones, or experienced extreme setbacks in any form, is to blame or be upset with God. Many of us in some shape or form have grown up knowing two fundamental facts about God: 1. He loves us, and 2. He is omnipotent, or all-powerful. It's easy to understand then why some might feel betrayed, slighted, ignored, or forgotten when He who has unshaking love for us and power over all does not tip the scales of mortality in our favor, especially when we feel like we might justifiably classify ourselves as "good people" and deserving of a miracle or two. </div>
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In 1995, Richard G. Scott said something everyone should know, whatever your challenges may be: </div>
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<i>When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.</i></blockquote>
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I'm happy to report that Caitlin and I never placed blame on God for what Holden had to endure, (I'd consider that one of our spiritual gifts for which we are humbly grateful), we didn't even dwell too much on the "why" questions, but we have had a paradigm shift when it comes to miracles, faith as it pertains to miracles, and the priesthood power that executes them. </div>
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I had the sacred privilege of giving Holden 5 priesthood blessings during his short life. Most of which pronounced his health and recovery. Friends and family all over the world were submitting Holden's name in the temple prayer roll. Entire wards held special fasts for him. Spiritually speaking, we had all bases covered, and all the ingredients for miracle-producing faith and prayer. And...nothing. No improvement. No miracle. The only beneficiaries of the countless prayers seemed to be Caitlin and myself. </div>
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Honestly, two years later I don't know that my faith has fully recovered in regards to healing blessings or miracles. I still don't know why we are to go to strenuously exhausting lengths to pray for miracles that are ultimately up to God's will and timetable to be realized. It's hard to express what I feel when others' healing prayers are answered in the affirmative. My heart is obviously glad for them, and I love hearing such illustrative examples of God's goodness, but deep in the recesses of my soul I still feel that tinge of envious heartache. </div>
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Before I damper your faith too much, I want to remind everyone of a 3rd (perhaps the easiest to forget in times of trial) characteristic of God. The one I remind myself of when I begin to question God's will. It's outlined in 2 Nephi 2:24</div>
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<i>But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.</i></blockquote>
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He is omniscient. He knows <i>and</i> understands <i>everything</i>; Past, present, and most importantly, future. The reason why asking "why" leads you into blind alleys is that we do not, nor are we meant to, understand all the "why's" of life. Part of our experience and purpose of mortality is learning to lean on God, and not on our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). </div>
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Placing your trust in God is one of, if not <i>the</i> most vital and preliminary steps to true happiness and contentment in life. I beg of everyone who may read this, Trust God. Trust in Him enough to keep His commandments, especially the ones you don't understand, and especially the ones for which you don't easily recognize the correlated blessings. Have a hard time keeping the sabbath day holy? Trust God. Don't understand why daily scripture study is necessary? Trust God. Trust in Him enough to submit your feeble will to his. It's the greatest and <i>only </i>gift you can really give Him and he'll compensate you 1,000 fold. </div>
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When you are in complete, dark, abysmal despair, trust God. Remember; God is omnipotent, God is omniscient, and God has an infinite and unfathomable love for you. Given these 3 facts, and I know that they are true, there is clearly no one and no thing better to believe in. </div>
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I do not expect in my lifetime to learn why some live and some die. I do not expect in my lifetime to "get over" losing Holden. To not miss him miserably when he should be turning 2, 5, 10, 20, 40 years old. It won't happen, and that's okay. It's okay because I trust my Heavenly Father. <i>He knows why. </i>And because he knows why, I don't have to. He provided a way for us to be whole again. Our family is not incomplete because Holden is gone. He is still around. And he is always forever inseparably ours. One day, and we pray every day that that day is not far off, we will <i>physically</i> hold him in our arms again. And I owe every single ounce of that truth to my Heavenly Father, His perfect Son, and the covenants that they've been good enough to allow me to make with them. My heart hurts for people who have been through what we have without knowing what we know. Trust in God, and partake of His goodness. </div>
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“Faith in the Lord is trust in the Lord. We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing. As a result, no matter how strong our faith is, it cannot produce a result contrary to the will of Him in whom we have faith. Remember that when your prayers do not seem to be answered in the way or at the time you desire. The exercise of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is always subject to the order of heaven, to the goodness and will and wisdom and timing of the Lord. When we have that kind of faith and trust in the Lord, we have true security and serenity in our lives.” ― Dallin H. OaksJaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-57243033097973159052014-05-26T18:31:00.000-06:002014-05-26T18:31:09.863-06:00Day 7 - 05.26.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As things in the NICU grew more difficult to handle, support grew stronger from family, friends, strangers, and Heaven. Holden was not recovering from the surgery. He had a distended bowel, was in need of nutrients, and became anemic from all the blood draws and tests. Several multi-hour attempts were made to put in a PICC line (a longer term IV) before a team finally succeeded. Holden was given a blood transfusion to restore the blood he had lost from the tests.<br />
The overwhelming heartache we were feeling for Holden was counter-balanced by the overwhelming amount of love and encouragement extended to us through prayers, fasts, texts, calls, and social media. Even the nurses who worked on or near Holden would often tell us how special they thought he was. Apart from these sources of strength, God somehow arranged for one of us at a time to have the capacity to care for the other. Caitlin and I would practically take turns having emotional meltdowns while the other would encourage and uplift. Each of us has acknowledged that we would not have been able to function otherwise.<br />
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“To be cheerful when others are in despair, to keep the faith when others falter, to be true even when we feel forsaken—all of these are deeply desired outcomes during the deliberate, divine tutorials which God gives to us—because He loves us. These learning experiences must not be misread as divine indifference. Instead, such tutorials are a part of the divine unfolding.” -Neal A. MaxwellJaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-83603536770233072722014-05-25T17:59:00.002-06:002014-05-25T17:59:52.531-06:00Day 6 - 05.25.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sleep deprived and anxiety levels running at new highs, we struggled emotionally through this day. Holden grew increasingly unresponsive after his surgery, and could barely get a cry out. After a terrifying bout of apnea, the doctors in the pediatric ward determined Holden would be better off continuing his care in the NICU. His transfer to the unit was chaotic as he stopped breathing again before arriving. Caitlin and I were helpless as what seemed like a dozen nurses and doctors came swarming around Holden. Amid the frenzied voices of the staff, Caitlin clenched Holden's burp rag in her fists as the NICU chaplain tried to assuage our terror with a prayer. As our shock subsided, we felt the weight of the situation set in. We wanted to get our son out of there as soon as possible.<br />
We spent the rest of the day at Holden's side with two chairs pulled up to his bassinet watching as an intubator, several IV's, and monitors were hooked up. The nurses insisted that we get some rest. We knew we needed it, but were unwilling to part with Holden. After they heard our plans of sleeping in shifts in the family waiting room down the hall, the hospital arranged for us to stay in a room in the NICU about 20 feet from Holden. It had a pullout bed and a small bathroom and was usually used for mothers from other islands taking their children home. Though it was a burden to be away from our son at all, it was a blessing to get some rest knowing that Holden was nearby.Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-82236809908442778212014-05-25T17:23:00.005-06:002014-05-25T21:27:31.165-06:00Day 5 - 05.24.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Moments before delivering our 4 day old son to the anesthesiologist to prepare for gastrointestinal surgery. Holden's X-rays revealed a blockage that concerned the surgeon enough to start prepping the OR immediately. It was following this procedure that the surgeon told us in a private waiting room that he believed Holden had Cystic Fibrosis. trying to break to Caitlin the ramifications of this diagnosis was nearly impossible. Our entire world came crashing down in an instant.<br />
Later that night I expressed our utter devastation to our visitors, Bishop Murdock and Conor Riley. Knowing so early that our son would not have the health to serve a mission, may not ever get married, nor have children of his own was hard to digest. Instead of looking forward to these events he would be fighting to survive to adulthood. I felt like the greatest joys life has to offer were taken away from him. As I began to sob, Bishop Murdock asked me what kind of family my cousins with CF had. I understood right away why he asked. He knew that they would be one of the strongest, most loving and united families that I knew. They are. He asked Caitlin and I if we wouldn't be willing to have a special family like theirs, if we wouldn't be willing to be nurses to Holden, and take him to his doctor visits, and make sure we were doing all we could to keep him as healthy as possible. As quickly as our family vision had been taken away, Bishop Murdock's inspired words replaced it with a bigger and better one; one that involved sacrifice, heartache, and a complete dependence on our Heavenly Father.Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-34999449035462029242014-05-25T17:13:00.003-06:002014-05-25T21:27:41.118-06:00Day 4 - 05.23.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Holden went through so much so early. Watching him be subjected to several painful pricks, and tests really allowed our parental instinct to kick into overdrive. He would be so frantic and upset by the nurses, and then instantly calm down as soon as we could scoop him up to soothe him. I began to understand this day how God feels when his children suffer; a type of love I would otherwise be unable to relate to. We haven't had too many conventional parenting experiences yet, but we know what it feels like to want more than anything to trade places with your hurting child.Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-41294058848892535702014-05-25T17:08:00.000-06:002014-05-25T21:27:49.864-06:00Day 3 - 05.22.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A happy day for us. We got to bring Holden home and experience normal life with him. It's so strange to look back on videos from that day knowing what we know now. We were just SO happy and didn't want a thing to change. Even being completely unaware of what the coming days would hold, we treasured every moment together. We were absolutely smitten with our boy. I (Caitlin) put him down just long enough to snap this picture of him in his crib and then picked him right back up to snuggle again.Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-55705109415881456752014-05-25T17:00:00.001-06:002014-05-25T21:27:58.512-06:00Day 2 - 05.21.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Taylor and Jack were the lucky cousins that got to hold Holden, but it's been remarkable to witness the impact he's had on all of his cousins, the majority of which did not get this privilege. Through all the letters, drawings, poems, prayers, singing through sobs, and graveside gifts of adulation, it's no doubt in our mind that each cousin has a very close connection to Holden, and he to them. Angel cousins are the best!</div>
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Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-7975312872770031262014-05-25T16:48:00.000-06:002014-05-25T16:48:09.365-06:00Day 1 - 05.20.2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Taken a few hours after birth. Holden had me so captivated that I didn't even budge from this spot when the nurse came in and found Caitlin had passed out in the shower. Every moment with this boy left a permanent impression on us that pulls us forward, and reminds us every day that we can be a little better, a little more compassionate, and more eternally focused. In our family, May 20 - June 4 is dubbed Holden Days. Days in which we remember that "those mortals we meet in parking lots, offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind God has given us to love and to serve." You are invited to participate in Holden Days by performing selfless acts of love and service. Acts that will cause others to smile and tell a friend how their prayer had been answered that day and how their faith had been restored. We've been the recipients of such acts over and over again. By uplifting and inspiring others, Holden's influence lives on.<br />
We love you, Holden. Happy Birthday, Bud. #HoldenStrongJaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-58997587099713073782013-05-12T01:56:00.001-06:002013-09-08T21:27:09.462-06:00Millennial Mother<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VCT7Ql9mvac/UY9C_5WvPjI/AAAAAAAACn8/QQWhm05y3xw/s1600/DSC00440.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VCT7Ql9mvac/UY9C_5WvPjI/AAAAAAAACn8/QQWhm05y3xw/s400/DSC00440.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-j-mV5b1ho0g/UY9C0WXGHCI/AAAAAAAACn0/9GifxiLpZ7s/s1600/IMG_0784.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-j-mV5b1ho0g/UY9C0WXGHCI/AAAAAAAACn0/9GifxiLpZ7s/s400/IMG_0784.JPG" width="265" /></a>If anyone is deserving of the sacred title of "Mother", it's Caitlin. She has prepared for motherhood her whole life. That was evident to me before we ever even dated. Motherhood has always been her greatest talent. She was officially given the opportunity to show off that talent just under a year ago when we were introduced to our perfect son. I won't be so presumptuous to say that no one has loved their child more than Caitlin, but I've been around long enough to know mothers like her aren't easy to come by.<br />
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Today (much to her distaste) she may have the outward appearance of a young woman who, for whatever reason, is waiting/choosing not to have children, but nothing is farther from the truth. She may not be invited to many play dates in the park, and doesn't always share in the baby dialogue between the other young mothers in the ward, but to anyone who knows Caitlin at all knows that she is very much a mother... and a great one. If every child had a mother with a fraction of the love and devotion that Caitlin has for Holden, the world would be a much better place than it is.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QCdROCw78KU/UY9DdKGSZxI/AAAAAAAACoE/M1Lsc8czxfo/s1600/DSC00457.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QCdROCw78KU/UY9DdKGSZxI/AAAAAAAACoE/M1Lsc8czxfo/s400/DSC00457.JPG" width="400" /></a>Those mothers who know Caitlin and what she's been through, tend to squeeze their child a little tighter than they would otherwise. They'll exercise a bit more patience when their kid fusses and whines, and keeps them up at night. These mothers cherish the moments that their child cries incessantly, because they know that it's a blessing that their child is able to get a cry out at all. These mothers are a little less frustrated when there's yet another diaper to change. These mothers wouldn't ever take their child for granted because they know that for some, these experiences aren't granted.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wo3e-6_EQQw/UY9DmBkip8I/AAAAAAAACoM/xjHaEyo_PHs/s1600/IMG_0825.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wo3e-6_EQQw/UY9DmBkip8I/AAAAAAAACoM/xjHaEyo_PHs/s400/IMG_0825.JPG" width="400" /></a>Even though Holden isn't physically around, Caitlin has demonstrated every ounce of devotion that he would have gotten if he were. Not a day goes by without Caitlin visiting Holden's grave, talking to him, singing him primary songs, kissing the grass that grows a few feet over his head. Not a night goes by that she doesn't fervently pray for Christ's return. I know of no one who looks forward to the Millennium like Caitlin does. What an honor it will be to stand with Caitlin at that time because there will not be many people quite as radiant as she when she has Holden back in her arms.<br />
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It's little wonder that a perfect little boy like Holden was entrusted to a mom like Caitlin. <br />
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<br />Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-48708059054389900092012-09-06T17:43:00.002-06:002016-01-01T12:49:14.910-07:00BreatheLast night, in my quest for a better understanding of the life beyond this one, I laid in bed and began to read, "The Message" by Lance Richardson, an LDS man from Idaho. Richardson writes about what he learned from his death, brief visit to the spirit world, then subsequent revival. I feel somewhat skeptical about the premise of such experiences when the source isn't too authoritative, but reading through the first few chapters brought about an experience that I share with utmost reverence.<br />
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When reading about Richardson's description of his death, I could not help but picture Holden going through a similar experience.<br />
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<i> . . . I was struggling to get enough air and felt that I was suffocating. . . I began to feel panicky. My hands were tingling. Sweat was cascading down my face. . . The room seemed to be spinning. I was getting more and more dizzy and extremely nauseated. All I could do was fight for air and pray to God for help. </i></div>
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<i> I had never quite realized how absolutely crucial oxygen is to our survival. And at that moment I would have given anything to be able to calmly expand my lungs and take in their fill. But I could not. . . The sensation was terrifying. </i></div>
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It may have been the late hour, but my emotions got the best of me as I closed the book, then my eyes, and relived Holden's last earthly hour.<br />
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As this is a public forum and those moments are sacred to us, I will spare the details. But the feelings came sweeping over me last night and they haven't felt that fresh since the day it happened. It was an anguish that I could never ever before imagine. I couldn't bear to think of Holden going through it. I began to repeat in my tormented mind the question, "Holden. Did you suffer?" "Did you suffer, Holden?". I posed the question a dozen times before I heard, maybe not in a literal, audible way, but nonetheless <i>heard</i>, my son's first words: "No, Dad." </div>
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Only once before have I had such a distinct and strong impression and that was shortly after hearing of Holden's fate from the surgeon. Had I not experienced it before, I would probably conclude it was my imagination, but I do not doubt the source of the words. </div>
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I told Caitlin of my experience this morning and we both felt so comforted that, not only was his passing peaceful to him, but that his spirit really does live and watch over us.<br />
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I believe in a merciful God that loves us and suffers when we suffer. I feel like we got a miniscule taste of how He felt when his son was on the cross. Had I the power, I certainly would have shook the Earth in anguish as well.<br />
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I could definitely empathize with those who blame God, doubt his existence, or who let their life go to shambles over things like this, but to do so is to turn your back on the one real source of comfort and lasting peace. I don't know all the answers, but I'm grateful for the ones I do have. I'm grateful that God's plan includes a paradise where my son can dwell without pain or misery. I'm glad that a principal part of the plan includes the restoration of my family, never again to be separated. Caitlin and I simply cannot comprehend how hard all of this would be without the <a href="http://mormon.org/plan-of-happiness" target="_blank">Gospel</a> in our life. It is the oxygen we breathe, without which, we wouldn't survive.</div>
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Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-15761412822962035142012-08-29T19:32:00.000-06:002012-08-29T19:32:36.594-06:00The MarkerThings have been getting a little tense for us as we've waited all summer for Holden's grave marker to arrive. We leave Saturday for Hawaii to finish school and we were going to be pretty distraught if we had to leave without being around to see it put in. With only a couple of days to spare, the marker has arrived and we were able to be there as they put it in. We're way pleased with the way it turned out. Cait and I already bought the plot next to him and we've requested the same granite/bronze/border theme for ours (so everyone knows, in case the good Lord were to take us together). <div>
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We got to keep the vinyl paper from the temporary one as a keepsake. We loved that people were able to read about him and see his picture and so we're kind of sad to take it away. We're wanting to make a similar stand for it that we can put in one of the flower pots.<div>
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We love it, and we think he does too. As I sat staring at it from the shade of the maple tree I felt like he was there with us to see it. </div>
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If you're ever in the Bountiful area we'd be happy if you paid him a visit while we are away. Let us know and we'll help you find him.</div>
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Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-32754183752225801982012-08-22T10:58:00.000-06:002012-08-22T11:12:44.702-06:00A Special CategoryOne of the most relevant things I've read over the summer was from Dallin H. Oaks' quasi-autobiography, <i>Life's Lessons Learned. </i>In the chapter on adversity he writes in response to 2 Nephi 2:1-2:<br />
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<i> Adversity is an occasional or even a constant companion for each of us throughout our lives. We cannot avoid it. It is a reality--and indeed one of the purposes--of mortal life. What is important is how we react to it. Will our adversities bear us down, or will we go forward relying on the promise of God, who does not shield us from every adversity but who gives us the guidance and strength that makes it possible for us to endure and progress?</i></div>
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<i> Some people exploit their adversities to encourage others to look on them with pity and to place them in a special category that excuses nonperformance. Others, as father Lehi taught, accept their adversities and go forward, relying on God's blessing to help them do their best.</i><br />
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I've been trying for the past hour to write about a particular experience with Holden, but have been unable to. For some reason I can't shake the feeling that some might perceive it as an attempt for pity, and I can't stand the idea that someone might think I would exploit my son's suffering that way. Simultaneously, I can't ignore the increasingly nagging feeling that I need to not only record these events, but help others who may be struggling, much like Caitlin and I have been helped by mutual acquaintances of adversity.<br />
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So I guess I'm making this post as a disclaimer to put my mind at ease: I may write about personal and sacred experiences that at times will be kind of downers, because there are difficult things I want to write about. I will not do this to garner pity or attention. I will not allow myself to post anything that in any way does not feel genuine to me or fails to accurately reflect how I'm feeling. My aim and hope is that this can be an effective way for me to record important events and recurring sentiments. I, like many of my gender, tend to compartmentalize my emotions, and think this will be a therapeutic outlet for me.<br />
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So bear with me. I'm gonna talk about my son a lot. He's on my mind a lot. I love him and miss him. I don't show it most of the day, but it hurts to not have him here. Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-8034903638999700842012-08-20T12:38:00.000-06:002012-08-20T12:43:27.224-06:00PatienceA couple of days ago I was flipping through some of the pictures of Holden. When I say "flip through" I usually mean study every pixel of them for about 5 minutes each. I spent a good amount of time on this one in particular:<br />
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As I studied his face I thought back to this moment and could distinctly remember what this felt like. His warmth, his weight on my chest, all the details of this moment remain clear to me. I never anticipated what it would be like to be a father. When Holden was born the recurring thought of those days was, "I get it." I get why people are obsessed with their kids. Why they would do anything for them to be happy. I thought I understood before, it made sense to me and all, but I didn't have a clue until it happened to me.<br />
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As I was mentally transporting myself back to that perfect moment in my life I had a moment of clarity--that's kind of a cheap way to put it--I KNEW in that instant that those exact feelings at that moment will be mine to have again. His warmth. I would feel his warmth again.<br />
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That's the bittersweet thing that I believe only those who have had the kinds of trauma that Caitlin and I have had can experience. I thought I had felt the Spirit before. I've had an incrementally growing testimony of the gospel since I was an independent thinker, but now things are much different. Since Holden died there have been occasions that the truth just slaps me across the face with obviousness. The fact that Holden will resurrect. That his spirit will enter again into that little body. That his little hand will wrap around my finger. That I'll be able to hold him and play with him and hear him cry and demand to be held and all those other things that parents get to experience now and take for granted. All those things in that instant became something not to just hope for or believe in, but they were OBVIOUS.<br />
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I read this last night in Joseph Fielding Smith's <i>Doctrines of Salvation</i>:<br />
"The resurrection is not a hard thing to believe. There are many things harder than that to believe. <i>Life itself is a mystery. </i>What do we know about it? Where does it come from? <i>Is there anything more wonderful than the creation of the body?</i> Why, bless your soul, that is more wonderful than to call together the elements that compose the body after death and cause life to come into them again.<br />
"In my judgment that is nothing to be compared as a miracle with the creation of that body in the beginning, putting life into it. Yet we see that every day; that is common. We see it, so we acknowledge it to be a fact. It is no more a miracle, it is no more wonderful, to have some body raised from the dead. They have come back; they have made their appearances; they have given commandments to men."<br />
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Seeing Holden again is not wishful thinking, a crossing of fingers, or a matter of imagination. It's patience.Jaredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11681277844073294753noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-5003078834437394792012-07-24T17:34:00.000-06:002012-07-24T17:41:40.118-06:00Holden<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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On May 20, 2012 our lives were changed forever. Our sweet baby, Holden Archer Lee, was born at 9:15 in the morning. He weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces and was 20 inches long. Jared and I were both so excited to be parents. We were always talking, planning, and daydreaming about having a son. We had been counting down the days until we could meet our little boy. We were already in love with him and could not wait to hold him in our arms. When he finally came, the feeling of being a parent to this perfect baby far surpassed every hope and dream. We were absolutely smitten with him. He immediately became the center of our world. Simply every little thing about him melted our hearts. He is absolutely perfect for us. We love his tiny little knees, soft, wrinkly skin, long fingers and toes, his perfect auburn hair, his skinny arms and legs, the cutest little lips, the way he would snuggle into us, and most especially his big blue eyes that stared straight into ours. He touched our very souls the moment he came into this world. Our hearts had never experienced such love. <br />
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As our time with Holden went on, we realized more and more just how amazing his spirit is. His baby body contained a hugely mature, wise, humble, and courageous spirit. I will never be able to properly express the feelings I had when Holden looked into my eyes. He truly was so patient and so wise. I spilled my every fear and worry to my sweet baby and though I am his mother and was holding him in my arms, <i>he</i> is the one who brought peace to <i>my</i> heart. I strive to be more like my son who patiently endured every pain and humbly obeyed his Heavenly Father's will. As much as we long to be with our son, we know that Holden has a great purpose in the Spirit World. We are grateful for the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that teaches us that Holden is an elect son of our Heavenly Father, and was so diligent and so righteous that he did not need to be tested. He has already proven himself and is a Celestial child. During this time of painful separation, Jared and I find solace in the covenants we have made with God. We know that we will see Holden again and that we will get to raise our perfect boy in the millennium. We are working our very hardest to qualify ourselves to be with our son forever. We know that our bond with Holden is stronger than death and that families are forever. That is the greatest blessing we could ever ask for.<span style="background-color: white;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-auto;">We love you so much, Holden. We could not be more proud to be your parents. What an honor Heavenly Father has bestowed upon us. We will never be the same. </span>
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P.S. Even though few people were able to meet Holden, he is loved by many. We wanted a way to help our family and friends get to know our little boy a little bit better. We wish there was a way to fully express how much we love him and how amazing he is. We hope this video gives you an idea, and helps you to feel of Holden's strong spirit. </div>
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<center><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="281" mozallowfullscreen="" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/45361232" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="500"></iframe> <br />
<a href="http://vimeo.com/45361232">Holden Archer Lee Memorial</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user6668058">Jared Lee</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.</center>caitlinleehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12226093048785472542noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-66907719574823825532012-04-21T02:20:00.004-06:002012-04-21T02:24:53.489-06:00Nesting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">I've been waiting for it to kick in, and the arrival of our stroller and car seat really did it to us. Jared has already installed the base into the backseat of our car and tested the car seat out with a ten pound dumbbell. He collapses and re-opens our stroller probably 3 times a day. We also have our cradle set up and it looks so cute by the window with the perfect little quilt made by my mom in it. We might be jumping the gun just a bit considering we still have 4 weeks, but we were just too excited to wait any longer. </span>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fresh out of the box- our stroller and car seat with cover compliments of Grandma</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My 35 week belly!<br />
On a side note:<br />
I graduated! Jared took me out for a celebration dinner<br />
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even though I opted out of the cap and gown.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cradle, quilt, and sleep sheep nestled (squished) next to our bed.</td></tr>
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caitlinleehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12226093048785472542noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5167570671402846244.post-25680837549616496122012-04-20T23:43:00.001-06:002012-04-21T02:24:53.482-06:0004-07-12<br />
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My sweet friend, who is way too talented, put together the most perfect baby shower. As you can tell from the pictures it was beautiful, and the food was even better than it looks. I had such a fun time and am so grateful to all of my friends for spoiling this baby and me. I'm still not used to the fact that I'm pregnant, so attending a baby shower that was for me really felt kind of crazy. It made me so excited for him to come, it feels way more real now that my house is full of baby things. </div>
caitlinleehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12226093048785472542noreply@blogger.com0