Day 10 - 05.29.2012

The staff at Kapiolani was so good to us and allowed us to basically move in with them. They let us pick out and change Holden's bedding, check his temperature, pick out books to read to him, and do as much parenting as we could in an otherwise helpless situation. We always wanted Holden to know that we were right there beside him.

Holden changed us the instant he came into our life. His birth was only the beginning of a long, drawn out transformation that he continues to effect in us. We've always been frustratingly far from perfect, so to be parents of a perfect child is extremely humbling and far and away our greatest gift that God has given us. Holden is our compass and our coach. How great it is to have a celestial son that can watch over us and remind us what lies in store for us if we are faithful. When we find ourselves taking a step in the wrong direction, we think of our son and we work to correct our error and shortsightedness, and to maintain eternal priorities.

The Lord gave us the tender mercy of running into President and Sister Uchtdorf today. As conversation turned from the child we're expecting to our first child and his passing, President Uchtdorf placed a firm hand on my shoulder and told us "You have a lot to live up to." We could not agree more. We love you, Holden. You set the bar high.

“What we love determines what we seek. What we seek determines what we think and do. What we think and do determines who we are — and who we will become.” ― Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Day 9 - 05.28.2012

Holden getting a chest massage to break up the mucus in his lungs. Each time he got this treatment he would like to hang on to our finger. There was never any questioning whether Holden was aware of who we were and what our role was there. That connection was like no other and transcends description. Anyone who met him can tell you that the understanding and wisdom this boy possessed was special. We suspect that Holden always knew what he had agreed to go through in life and what his mission was. There was something in him that was greater than us all. Recognizing that spirit in him then, helps us to recognize that spirit now.

"There is within each of us a divine spark of greatness..." - Joseph B. Wirthlin

Day 8 - 05.27.2012

I guess a common reaction amongst those who've lost loved ones, or experienced extreme setbacks in any form, is to blame or be upset with God. Many of us in some shape or form have grown up knowing two fundamental facts about God: 1. He loves us, and 2. He is omnipotent, or all-powerful. It's easy to understand then why some might feel betrayed, slighted, ignored, or forgotten when He who has unshaking love for us and power over all does not tip the scales of mortality in our favor, especially when we feel like we might justifiably classify ourselves as "good people" and deserving of a miracle or two. 

In 1995, Richard G. Scott said something everyone should know, whatever your challenges may be:  

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

I'm happy to report that Caitlin and I never placed blame on God for what Holden had to endure, (I'd consider that one of our spiritual gifts for which we are humbly grateful), we didn't even dwell too much on the "why" questions, but we have had a paradigm shift when it comes to miracles, faith as it pertains to miracles, and the priesthood power that executes them. 

I had the sacred privilege of giving Holden 5 priesthood blessings during his short life. Most of which pronounced his health and recovery. Friends and family all over the world were submitting Holden's name in the temple prayer roll. Entire wards held special fasts for him. Spiritually speaking, we had all bases covered, and all the ingredients for miracle-producing faith and prayer. And...nothing. No improvement. No miracle. The only beneficiaries of the countless prayers seemed to be Caitlin and myself. 

Honestly, two years later I don't know that my faith has fully recovered in regards to healing blessings or miracles. I still don't know why we are to go to strenuously exhausting lengths to pray for miracles that are ultimately up to God's will and timetable to be realized. It's hard to express what I feel when others' healing prayers are answered in the affirmative. My heart is obviously glad for them, and I love hearing such illustrative examples of God's goodness, but deep in the recesses of my soul I still feel that tinge of envious heartache.  

Before I damper your faith too much, I want to remind everyone of a 3rd (perhaps the easiest to forget in times of trial) characteristic of God. The one I remind myself of when I begin to question God's will. It's outlined in 2 Nephi 2:24

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

He is omniscient. He knows and understands everything; Past, present, and most importantly, future. The reason why asking "why" leads you into blind alleys is that we do not, nor are we meant to, understand all the "why's" of life. Part of our experience and purpose of mortality is learning to lean on God, and not on our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). 

Placing your trust in God is one of, if not the most vital and preliminary steps to true happiness and contentment in life. I beg of everyone who may read this, Trust God. Trust in Him enough to keep His commandments, especially the ones you don't understand, and especially the ones for which you don't easily recognize the correlated blessings. Have a hard time keeping the sabbath day holy? Trust God. Don't understand why daily scripture study is necessary? Trust God. Trust in Him enough to submit your feeble will to his. It's the greatest and only gift you can really give Him and he'll compensate you 1,000 fold. 

When you are in complete, dark, abysmal despair, trust God. Remember; God is omnipotent, God is omniscient, and God has an infinite and unfathomable love for you. Given these 3 facts, and I know that they are true, there is clearly no one and no thing better to believe in. 

I do not expect in my lifetime to learn why some live and some die. I do not expect in my lifetime to "get over" losing Holden. To not miss him miserably when he should be turning 2, 5, 10, 20, 40 years old. It won't happen, and that's okay. It's okay because I trust my Heavenly Father. He knows why. And because he knows why, I don't have to. He provided a way for us to be whole again. Our family is not incomplete because Holden is gone. He is still around. And he is always forever inseparably ours. One day, and we pray every day that that day is not far off, we will physically hold him in our arms again. And I owe every single ounce of that truth to my Heavenly Father, His perfect Son, and the covenants that they've been good enough to allow me to make with them. My heart hurts for people who have been through what we have without knowing what we know. Trust in God, and partake of His goodness. 

“Faith in the Lord is trust in the Lord. We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing. As a result, no matter how strong our faith is, it cannot produce a result contrary to the will of Him in whom we have faith. Remember that when your prayers do not seem to be answered in the way or at the time you desire. The exercise of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is always subject to the order of heaven, to the goodness and will and wisdom and timing of the Lord. When we have that kind of faith and trust in the Lord, we have true security and serenity in our lives.” ― Dallin H. Oaks

Day 7 - 05.26.2012

As things in the NICU grew more difficult to handle, support grew stronger from family, friends, strangers, and Heaven. Holden was not recovering from the surgery. He had a distended bowel, was in need of nutrients, and became anemic from all the blood draws and tests. Several multi-hour attempts were made to put in a PICC line (a longer term IV) before a team finally succeeded. Holden was given a blood transfusion to restore the blood he had lost from the tests.
The overwhelming heartache we were feeling for Holden was counter-balanced by the overwhelming amount of love and encouragement extended to us through prayers, fasts, texts, calls, and social media. Even the nurses who worked on or near Holden would often tell us how special they thought he was. Apart from these sources of strength, God somehow arranged for one of us at a time to have the capacity to care for the other. Caitlin and I would practically take turns having emotional meltdowns while the other would encourage and uplift. Each of us has acknowledged that we would not have been able to function otherwise.

“To be cheerful when others are in despair, to keep the faith when others falter, to be true even when we feel forsaken—all of these are deeply desired outcomes during the deliberate, divine tutorials which God gives to us—because He loves us. These learning experiences must not be misread as divine indifference. Instead, such tutorials are a part of the divine unfolding.” -Neal A. Maxwell

Day 6 - 05.25.2012

Sleep deprived and anxiety levels running at new highs, we struggled emotionally through this day. Holden grew increasingly unresponsive after his surgery, and could barely get a cry out. After a terrifying bout of apnea, the doctors in the pediatric ward determined Holden would be better off continuing his care in the NICU. His transfer to the unit was chaotic as he stopped breathing again before arriving. Caitlin and I were helpless as what seemed like a dozen nurses and doctors came swarming around Holden. Amid the frenzied voices of the staff, Caitlin clenched Holden's burp rag in her fists as the NICU chaplain tried to assuage our terror with a prayer. As our shock subsided, we felt the weight of the situation set in. We wanted to get our son out of there as soon as possible.
We spent the rest of the day at Holden's side with two chairs pulled up to his bassinet watching as an intubator, several IV's, and monitors were hooked up. The nurses insisted that we get some rest. We knew we needed it, but were unwilling to part with Holden. After they heard our plans of sleeping in shifts in the family waiting room down the hall, the hospital arranged for us to stay in a room in the NICU about 20 feet from Holden. It had a pullout bed and a small bathroom and was usually used for mothers from other islands taking their children home. Though it was a burden to be away from our son at all, it was a blessing to get some rest knowing that Holden was nearby.